It’s a question many of us have asked: Why am I always drawn to people who are unavailable? Why do I lose interest in those who seem “good for me”? These questions point to a deeper, often hidden dynamic in how we approach relationships.

This isn’t a one-size-fits-all issue. Everyone’s experiences are unique, but there are patterns that tend to repeat themselves. At the heart of this dynamic lies a complex interplay between our feelings, self-perception, and the narratives we create around relationships. Let’s break it down.

The Role of "Levels" in Dating

Whether we admit it or not, we often think about dating in terms of levels—either consciously or subconsciously. We want to be with someone who feels like they’re on our level or, ideally, someone who’s perceived as being above it.

Being with someone who we perceive as unavailable or “higher” than us can trigger feelings of excitement, challenge, and validation. Conversely, being with someone we label as “good for us” but not emotionally stirring can leave us feeling like we’re settling or questioning our own value.

When we encounter someone who might have great qualities but doesn’t stir up intense feelings in us, we might unconsciously place them in a category that feels “below” what we aspire to. This isn’t about their actual worth; it’s about how they make us feel (or don’t feel) about ourselves.

Why Unavailable People Feel So Alluring

When someone we see as unavailable gives us even a sliver of attention, it can feel incredibly validating. We think, If this person who I see as so “high-value” is interested in me, that must mean I’m valuable too.

This creates a cycle of emotional highs and lows. The unpredictability of their attention and affection becomes addictive, and we begin to chase those moments where we feel seen and validated. The fact that their interest isn’t guaranteed makes it feel even more significant when it happens.

And if you happen to find yourself in a “situationship” with this type of person - where you engage in intimate behavior without the commitment - it can become even more complicated and emotionally stirring.

But these feelings, while intense, aren’t sustainable. They’re rooted in external validation rather than genuine compatibility or mutual care.

What About People Who Are "Good for Me"?

If unavailable people create highs, people who are “good for us” can sometimes feel predictable or even dull by comparison. They might not stir the same uncontrollable feelings, and that lack of excitement can be misinterpreted as a lack of connection.

But this isn’t about the other person—it’s about us. When we haven’t developed a strong sense of self-worth, we’re more likely to crave relationships that make us feel valuable through external validation. People who are stable, kind, and genuinely interested in us may not trigger those same highs, and we might dismiss them as a result.

It’s About How You View Yourself

At its core, this dynamic is often a reflection of how we see ourselves. If we struggle with self-worth, we’re more likely to measure our value based on the attention we receive from others—especially from those we perceive as being at a “higher” level.

When we’re not comfortable with our own value, we’ll resist connecting with people we perceive as “at our level” or “below it.” Instead, we chase the highs that come from pursuing someone we’ve placed above ourselves.

Breaking the Cycle

So, how do you shift this dynamic? It starts with reframing how you think about relationships:

1. Let Go of “Levels.”
   Stop viewing dating as a hierarchy. Relationships aren’t about finding someone who elevates your status; they’re about finding someone who complements your needs, values, and goals.

2. Focus on Needs and Outcomes.
   Instead of chasing feelings of validation, think about the outcomes you want in a relationship. What kind of partnership do you want? What qualities and values matter to you?

3. Understand That Love Is More Than a Feeling.
   Powerful, uncontrollable feelings aren’t the foundation of a healthy relationship. Those highs are often tied to insecurity, not love. Real love is built on trust, mutual respect, and shared goals.

4. Build Your Sense of Self-Worth.
   When you have a strong sense of your own value, you’ll approach dating differently. You’ll choose partners based on compatibility, not based on how much they make you feel validated.

The Takeaway

If you find yourself consistently drawn to unavailable people, it might be time to look inward. Are you seeking validation through relationships? Are you placing too much emphasis on how someone makes you feel in the moment, rather than how they fit into your long-term vision of a fulfilling partnership?

Getting comfortable with who you are—and learning to love yourself first—is the foundation for building healthy, lasting relationships. When you value yourself, you’ll no longer need someone else to prove your worth. Instead, you’ll approach dating from a place of confidence, looking for a partner who truly complements your life.

It’s not about chasing the highs. It’s about finding someone who’s ready to walk beside you.