Why Are We Attracted to People Who Aren’t as Interested in Us as We Are in Them?
👀 🎥 Click here to watch my video about this topic.
It’s a frustrating experience many of us can relate to—feeling strongly attracted to someone who seems, at best, indifferent. Why are we so captivated by people who don’t quite reciprocate our interest? The answer lies, in part, in what our minds are busy filling in. So much of attraction comes from inference—from what we assume based on what isn’t said or shown outright.
The Power of the Unsaid
Beyond a person’s appearance, which we can judge instantly, there are countless qualities that aren’t immediately obvious. Our minds are constantly processing and trying to make sense of these unseen qualities, and that’s often where attraction takes shape. This is what we sometimes refer to as “game” or “chemistry”—those intangible qualities that go beyond words or physical traits. Anyone can say the right words, but not everyone can deliver them with a certain confidence, allure or that je ne sais quoi.
When someone shows us less interest than we show them, our minds start to infer things, often subconsciously, like:
“They must have tons of other people interested in them.”
“They probably have something amazing going on that I just don’t know about.”
We start to imagine reasons why they’re not as invested in us, and that makes them seem more attractive, almost as if they exist on a higher plane of desirability.
The Allure of Unattainability
This process happens largely beneath the surface of our awareness. Our minds run calculations and make snap judgments, and we often take these as truth without a second thought. We create a story around the person, filling in the blanks to explain their perceived disinterest. Sometimes, we’re right about these inferences, but just as often, we’re wrong.
Attraction in the Moment
In many cases, attraction isn’t just about a person’s looks, words, or wealth; it’s about the qualities we project onto them—the mystery that pulls us in. Those gaps we fill with assumptions can make someone seem more intriguing, and when their interest doesn’t match ours, it intensifies the allure. It’s natural to believe they’re on a higher level or that they possess some elusive quality. But often, it’s just our own assumptions coloring the picture.
The Bottom Line
Attraction is rarely straightforward. So when we’re drawn to someone who isn’t equally interested, it might be more about our minds filling in the blanks than about any reality of who that person is. Understanding this can help us question those assumptions and break the cycle of longing for people who don’t quite meet us halfway.
